Tag Archives: tears

Tears….

Posted by Jo on September 5, 2011 None comments

Had a good cry this afternoon.  Sometimes you just have to do that.  I can go for months and months without crying over the loss of my son.  I can talk about him.  Think about him.  Look at pictures of him.  Watch movies of him.  Lots of things and not cry a single tear.  Then it will hit me like a tons of bricks and I will cry so hard I think I will die.  My heart will hurt so bad I think it is literally breaking into little pieces.

I don’t understand why the difference, but I know this. Those tears that eventually come, they cleanse my soul.  They clean me out.  It’s like the pain and sadness just build and build until they can’t be contained and then they just break loose.

I am so thankful that God gives His grace to those that ask for it and depend on Him for it.  I am also thankful for friends and family that love me and support me. THANK YOU! GOD BLESS YOU!!

My Sweet Eli…

Posted by Jo on August 12, 2008 1 comments

friday is his birthday.  i guess it is too much to ask that we should celebrate his birth…just because he isn’t alive???? i don’t understand that??  i told C , they didn’t put his birthday in the church bulletin again this year.  C says, well he’s been gone 4 years, hun…..they only put it in the first year he was gone….well, i don’t understand that….he was in fact given birth to, why can’t we celebrate??  i guess i am feeling a bit down today, thinking about him again.  i feel ancient lately.  i just turned 33, but that’s not it.  i feel like i have outlived my days somehow???  i suppose it is partly because we are not supposed to out live our children.  a parent is not supposed to bury their child…..it is not the natural order of things.  i hide my tears today for the sake of my daughter, but what i really want to do is scream out and shout my frustration of losing my son so early in his precious life.  i know that he is in heaven and i will see him again someday, but today that is not good enough for me.  i’m sorry to say that, but its just isn’t!!!!!!!!!! i want him here, i need him here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! where is my happy little man, with his big grin….who opens the door for his sister and mother??  who always shares the last of whatever he has??  who sees me depressed and draws me pictures and tells me everything will be ok, mom.  he is in heaven , waiting for me.  oh what i would give to hear his voice…..to see his smile….to hear his laugh….today it seems to be too much….too much…

 

 

rough day…

Posted by Jo on July 24, 2008 2 comments

have you ever had one of those days where EVERYTHING rubs you the wrong way?  well that is how today went for me.  i felt sorry for H and the girls today!!  i just could not deal with anything today.  every sound irritated me.  the puppies whining, the dogs barking, tv, just EVERYTHING!!!!!!!  it didn’t help that C and i argued first thing this morning.  i opened my big fat mouth and shoved my little chubby foot right in it.  then C got upset and the whole thing just escalated from there. i was in tears and he was upset.  not a good way to start the day! but he came home at lunch and he apologized and i apologized and now everything is hunky dory!!!!!!!   that’s the good thing about being married to your best friend!!  it’s easy to forgive them!  when you love someone unconditionally, it’s easy to understand that just because they don’t say or do the right thing all the time, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  AND it means that just because i don’t say or do the right thing all the time doesn’t mean i don’t love him, either!!!!!!!!  we are a team , him and i, and a mighty good one at that!!!!!

tears

Posted by Jo on July 14, 2008 2 comments

aahhhh i always feel better after a good cry.  i have been thinking about my son so much lately that it is driving me crazy…literally.  plus i am frustrated about other things right now which doesn’t help at all.  do you ever feel like EVERYTHING is going wrong?? what is that saying??  it never rains but it pours???  i always think that means that its all or nothing….good or bad….rain (and lots of it ) or no rain.  am i taking that out of context or is that what it means??  i just feel like a ton of bricks is on my shoulders right now.  we are having some financial strain and i miss my son and my hubby is looking for a different job and i’m looking for a job (which could be interesting as i do not do well in an “outside” job situation) and my dog isn’t well ( cant afford to take her to the vet right now) and we have 6 puppies we can’t seem to get rid of and we can barely afford to feed the two dogs we own let alone the puppies!  and  ……………………. uuuuugggghhhhhh!!!!  it just goes on and on.  it just goes on and on……..

day to day life of the Christian mother/wife

Posted by Jo on July 5, 2008 2 comments

I believe that we wives and mothers set the spiritual tone in our homes. At least that’s what I have been taught. You know the saying, “When Mom’s happy, everyone is happy”. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl under the covers and hide all day?? I have those often.

I am thirty-two years old. I have been married for almost fifteen years. I have an eleven year old daughter and a would be fourteen year old son.  He was killed in an auto accident at ten years old. He would be fourteen years old August 15th. His name was Elijah. And though we miss him very much EVERY day….we find strength and peace in the fact that he was saved and is now in heaven. So I deal with the loss of my son everyday. To add to that, I am Bipolar, have Borderline Personality, and OCD. Whoa!! You think I must been on twenty five prescription drugs don’t you?? I am on NONE. That’s right NONE. I read my Bible everyday, I pray to the one TRUE God everyday, and every time the Church doors are open, I’m there. That is how I treat my mania, depression and neurotic behavior!!

Now I’m here to tell you , I still have bad days, just like anyone else. BUT I am also here to tell you , I could never get through the tough times without my Lord and Saviour. I also have a wonderful husband that takes very good care of me!! I had a not-so-great childhood and I have a lot of abuse in my past (physical, emotional and sexual), but I don’t let that determine who I am. I used to, but I have given all of that to the Lord and I now I choose to be happy and content. Yes, some would say I have every right to be bitter and sad because of my circumstances, but I believe that that would hurt only me and my family and most of all God. After all, he has given me so much to be thankful for. Everything that has happened to me in my life has made me who I am today, and I kinda like who I am and where I am. So to regret anything in my life or wish it hadn’t happened would be like saying I don’t like where God has put me and what He has given me. I need to have a positive attitude and a thankful spirit.

We, as humans are all sinners, deserving hell. I know that sounds harsh but it is Biblically true. So anything above hell is a bonus in my way of thinking. God sent his only Son to die on the cross so we wouldn’t have to got to hell. I don’t even deserve that!!!! So, any blessings I receive above that I am blessed or as some may say “lucky” to have!! So, in conclusion, remember that anything you have that is good in your life , you have God to thank for it. AND I think we all have more than we deserve!! So the next time we don’t want to crawl out from under those covers, let’s try to remember what God has done for us!! Thanks for reading, Have a Happy Day, God Bless!!