well, here it is…..almost 4am and i am not tired at all!!!  i’m not even going to bother going to bed i don’t think, because i will just toss and turn and keep my darling C awake.  i have been doing that a lot lately.  very frustrating!  i think i am in a manic phase.  i am very irritated and agitated lately.  i have been having these outbursts of who knows what , lashing out at everyone.  i hate it when i get like this…i have little to no control over it. i can hardly stand to be in my own skin. UUUUGGGHHH.  i am like and angry drunk only i’m an angry manic!!!  that’s how it works for me…i am either really agitated or like excessively happy when i am manic and it’s usually the first one unfortunately for my family   but i have also been very weepy , too, so i think its a mixed episode, but i don’t know.  i told C today that i think i need to go to comm. mental health and be seen soon, if not immediately.  i think we’ll see how the weekend goes and if i’m not feeling better mon.  i will call them up and see what they say.  i haven’t seen anyone for this in a year or more, so i’m thinking it’s probably time.  i may need to go back on meds for a short time….i just don’t want to be so drugged that i can’t function properly, which has happened in the past.  we’ll see what happens…….

tattoos, ok ok i know, we shouldn’t mark our bodies….blah blah blah, lol.  i want one!! i want a little rose with thorns OR maybe a heart OR both on my ankle ( my left ankle to be exact) …nothing huge or anything..just a lil one. i had my tongue pierced at one time, i think i wanna redo that too.  i am feeling quite rebellious today!!!  i haven’t been sleeping well lately, and i cant help but feel like something odd is going on in my head.  it feels all tight and fuzzy…like its got cotton in it.  and i have this lingering headache.  from past experience i am thinking that this is not so good, but only time will tell……i have made people aware that this is going on and i am on top of it!!!!!!  the loud thoughts have not descended upon me yet, but i am ready for them!!  aaahhh such is life….

**yawn** good morning!! as i write this i am reminded how blessed i am because even though i did not sleep well last night (for a variety of reasons), i am not feeling as bad as i thought i would when i woke up at 3:00 this morning!! do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and dread getting up in the morning?? i do that quite often. try saying a quick prayer for someone else at that time…it will be a blessing to them and to you!!!! have a blessed day!!