Of all the things you could have given her and her little 70 lb 12 year old body, you gave her the flu!!  Like it wasn’t bad enough she only weighs 70 lbs, you went and made her lose 5 more!!  People just don’t even teach their kids a little thing called manners, anymore, I tell ya!!!  I mean wouldn’t the common cold have sufficed??  Nooooo, you had to give her the flu!!! Not only did she miss 3 days of school, but she didn’t even get to go to Church on Sunday, of all things!!  For the love of Pete!!

For the sake of all that’s good and right in the world, keep your germs to yourself next time please, or at the very least, give them to the little jerk who sits in the corner eating is boogers all day!!!  Thanks for nothin’ kid!!

this  rant post was brought to you in cooperation with:

yet another Deb and Jay production.

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
 
 I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
 
 When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.
 
 Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
 
 She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is
Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday’

 
 ’First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’
 
 She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

 
 ’Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
 
 ’My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like
the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
 
 ’And then, pop!
My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her
legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

 
 ’Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.’
 
 Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.
 
 Now you have two choices…laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
 
 Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to
make someone happy!  

My two favorite peeps!!  My Big_Bad_Buster and Pumpkin_Seed.  Can you feel the love?   Not really much to say here,  they wanted to pose for funny pics while eating pizza??? 

For more Wordful/Wordless Fun, visit Angie over at SevenClownCircus!!

 A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before

 Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I

 have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;

 forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son

 screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any

 longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each

other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call

 your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the

 phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,”

 she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

 ”You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single

 thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back,

and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t

 do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

 ”Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for

 Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

 

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”  The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….”Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

3.) You’re sitting at work one day and receive a text message from an unrecognized number. The text says, “I have the money and hid the body.” You think this is a practical joke from a friend, so you play along at first. But the more texts you receive, the more you realize that it isn’t a joke. Write the text conversation you have with this unknown text-er.

“I told you never to contact me at this number”.  ”Meet me in 10 minutes out behind the office”.  

No seriously, how much money?? …No, that’s wrong isnt’ it??  LOL

 LOL HAHAHA **deep breath** HAHAHAHA

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord
my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you’ve done.

Five tips for a woman….
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important these four men do not know each other!!
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: ‘If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.’