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Tired

Jo — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 23:28:00 +0000

Don’t know what my problem is the last few days. I haven’t been sleeping well, but I’m tired. You would think if I’m tired, I would sleep better, but no. Doesn’t seem to work that way. I wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn and can’t fall back to sleep.

I also seem to be crying at the drop of a hat, or pin, or anything….or nothing! I have been missing my son a lot lately, due to his birthday being just a couple weeks ago, but I thought I was over that now. I don’t know. I just seem to have this cloud hanging over me that I can’t quite get rid of.

I am Bipolar, diagnosed when I was 13. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am wondering if these are playing a part in how I am feeling lately. Knowing this about myself helps, if only in the fact that I can let others know when I am having a hard time with things early in the game so they can be on the look out for certain behaviors and so can I. The earlier, the better, because once things into full swing, it’s often too late, and then it’s time for medication and sometimes hospitalization and no one wants that!

So, I am careful to read my bible and pray, maybe even more than normal. I am careful to make sure I am going to church like I should. And I am careful to watch for tell tale signs that my moods are getting out of control before they get so bad that I cannot handle it.

It helps that I am married to the most amazing man on the planet. He is so supportive and puts up with a lot! Lord knows, he’s not perfect, but He’s perfect for me!

Some Days…

Jo — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 19:37:09 +0000

Some days I wonder if going off all my meds was a good idea…

Days like today…

Days when the ”voices” in my head are so loud, I can’t drown them out with the tv, the radio, games, movies, etc…

Days when I want to just give up and give in to the “voices”…

I just need to hold onto the knowledge of my Lord and Saviour and what He has done for me…

If I can…

As long as I can…

depression…

Jo — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 04:48:57 +0000

i have read a lot of blogs about people who are depressed. a lot of the time depression can be solved by simply taking the focus off of ourselves and putting it on to someone or something else. a lot of times our depression is caused from and/or made worse by dwelling on our own life circumstances, our unfulfilled needs, or stress about who did what to us or any number of other things going on in our day-to-day lives. try putting the focus on someone else and see how depressed you stay. bake cookies for a neighbor, take soup to or read to someone who is sick, run errands for an elderly or handicapped person who can’t get out and do it themselves, help someone in any way you can or anything else you can do to be a blessing to them. depression can be brought on by a number of things, and is bound to affect us, so allow yourself those feelings, they are real and you need to feel them but then don’t just sit back and let them consume you and make you miserable, go out and do something about them!! I can almost guarantee that if you make someone else’s life better, it will make yours better too!!

i’m still here….

Jo — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:18:10 +0000

just in case anyone out there cares, which i doubt, i have not fallen off the planet!! almost, but not quite!! i have been so tired and agitated lately, i haven’t been doing anything. by anything i mean ANYTHING!! i have laundry and dishes and dusting and vacuuming that need to be done. anyone brave enough to come do it for me?? i promise i’ll clear a path.

i just have not been well at all. i have this heaviness in my chest, i want to cry at the drop of a hat every second. and i can’t breath. buster has ordered my progesterone cream that i have been out of for like a month and i have been sitting under a full-spectrum light for hours on end. if the cream doesn’t miraculously cure me help, i’m gonna go see the dr. about my bipolar disorder. this has gone on too long!!

so for now, i wait for the miracle cream to come. shouldn’t be long now. then a few days and i’ll know if it’s hormones (for anyone who doesn’t know, i had a radical hysterectomy 9-11-08) or if i need to go in for therapy and/or drugs.

wish me luck!!

one of those days

Jo — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:02:02 +0000

ok, here i sit at my computer wondering if i should even “put this out there”. i feel the need to get this of my chest lest i act upon my “urges”. i want to cut. i want to feel the pain. i want to see the sweet red stain. i want to feel the soft warm trickle. i want to feel the light headed giddy feeling of euphoria, its almost like having wings. the rush of adrenaline, the thought that if i slip it could all end here and now. there is nothing like it. i am told it is wrong to feel this way, but my mind tells me it is ok. my mind tells me that if i just give in and do it, everything will be better. the headache will go away, the thoughts will stop tormenting me, there will be sweet peace. quietness. the pain i feel with the swipe of the blade will cover the pain i feel in my heart. it will silence the thoughts that swarm in my head. everything will be better.

stress…stress…stress….

Jo — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:18:36 +0000

ggggggrrrr….i am so sick of EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can’t wait til C finds a new job and i get paid for all the jobs i’ve been doing. it seems like there are soooooo many bills and sooooooooo little money. i am very frustrated right now. the job my husband does at our Church pays our daughters tuition at a Christian school and there is always some left over (especially in the summer when there is no school bill) but Pastor and his wife don’t seem to want C to take it out and spend it. which doesn’t make any sense to me…….he EARNED that money, he should be able to do with it what he wants!!!!!!!!! it is always a hassle to take money out, because it is in a Church account in his name. that way we don’t ever have to worry about the school payment being there. BUT, it is still HIS money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and to add to the financial “complications”……i am not doing very well lately AT ALL…i think i need to go back on progesterone cream. i ran out a while ago and just haven’t gotten anymore. partly cause i didn’t want to spend the money on it and partly cause i wanted to see if it was really helping. for those who don’t know, i had a radical hysterectomy sept. 2007. i had fibroids and a lot of pain and excess bleeding. i also had my ovaries removed for a number of reasons. anyway, i have been in surgical menopause for a few months now( i think my body just realized everything is gone LOL). i have been having dizzy spells, nausea, headaches, aches and pains, and just plain not feeling well. some of it is probably a little of my bipolar (i think im having mixed episodes), but im thinking the majority is the menopause. i’m just wondering how long this will last. i don’t want to go on synthetic hormones, i really don’t want to get breast cancer!! or any other kind for that matter!!! is it just me or is this blog turning into a venting session???? well, i guess if i can’t put my feelings down here, where can i???????? aaaaahhhh see, i feel better already!!! not feeling “on topside ” as of late….please keep the prayers coming!!!

me…

Jo — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:48:20 +0000

commented on a blog earlier about being more than our diseases ( whatever they may be) we are a lot more…like me, i am: a mom, sister, mother, wife, overweight, a good listener, talkative at times, NOT shy!! i like to laugh and make others laugh. i would like people to know that they do not always have to walk on eggshells around me, i do not break so easily. i am very trusting UNTIL you give me a reason not to be, and then, you will have to wait for me to work through that and start trusting again and it may take a while!! i just want to be liked and loved for who i am without having to be someone i am not!!! i want people to look at ME and see my GOOD qualities…contrary to popular belief, i Do have a couple!! I want people to stop judging me. i have had people (close to me) say well, i don’t think shes even trying……walk a mile or two in my shoes then tell me i’m not trying!!!!!!!!!! i want to see the good in everyone (and i think there is some in everyone). anyway, that comment made me think of all the things i am and the things i want others to know..thank you titanium rose!!

insomnia…

Jo — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 08:03:41 +0000

well, here it is…..almost 4am and i am not tired at all!!! i’m not even going to bother going to bed i don’t think, because i will just toss and turn and keep my darling C awake. i have been doing that a lot lately. very frustrating! i think i am in a manic phase. i am very irritated and agitated lately. i have been having these outbursts of who knows what , lashing out at everyone. i hate it when i get like this…i have little to no control over it. i can hardly stand to be in my own skin. UUUUGGGHHH. i am like and angry drunk only i’m an angry manic!!! that’s how it works for me…i am either really agitated or like excessively happy when i am manic and it’s usually the first one unfortunately for my family but i have also been very weepy , too, so i think its a mixed episode, but i don’t know. i told C today that i think i need to go to comm. mental health and be seen soon, if not immediately. i think we’ll see how the weekend goes and if i’m not feeling better mon. i will call them up and see what they say. i haven’t seen anyone for this in a year or more, so i’m thinking it’s probably time. i may need to go back on meds for a short time….i just don’t want to be so drugged that i can’t function properly, which has happened in the past. we’ll see what happens…….

bipolar

Jo — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 14:24:06 +0000

a little about me: i am one of those people who “function” in the “real” world with no meds and no support groups. some days you would be hard pressed to even see that there is anything “wrong” with me, but then other days you can tell i am not well. staying in my Bible, attending Church several times a week and praying daily keep me from having to be on drugs. plus i have a lot of support from loved ones. lately i have been having very rapid cycles ( mania to depression within a couple of hours or even minutes) with headaches and loud thoughts again. the thoughts are not as loud as they have been in the past and if i busy myself on the computer or housework , they tend to stay in the background. the headaches for me are a precursor to something big about to happen, so i have to be careful now for a while…really keep myself in check so as to let people know if things get harry so to speak. i have been living with this more than half my life…really longer, just undiagnosed before that, so i know my signs and symptoms very well. i think the first signs of “trouble” came very early…my first hospitalization was as a 4 year old. i was suicidal already then and had homicidal tendencies also, from what i hear. they didn’t know what was wrong back then, they thought maybe schizophrenia , but i was not diagnosed bipolar, borderline personality disorder til i was 13 or so. all that time trying drug after drug, therapy on a weekly basis, interventions, etc. i have been on and off drugs for the better part of my life and there are pros and cons to both. for the time being, being off my meds is better for me. there will be a time when i will probably need to go back on them for a period of time, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. for now the support i get from loved ones and my relationship with God are all i need.

rambling thoughts……

Jo — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:04:20 +0000

tattoos, ok ok i know, we shouldn’t mark our bodies….blah blah blah, lol. i want one!! i want a little rose with thorns OR maybe a heart OR both on my ankle ( my left ankle to be exact) …nothing huge or anything..just a lil one. i had my tongue pierced at one time, i think i wanna redo that too. i am feeling quite rebellious today!!! i haven’t been sleeping well lately, and i cant help but feel like something odd is going on in my head. it feels all tight and fuzzy…like its got cotton in it. and i have this lingering headache. from past experience i am thinking that this is not so good, but only time will tell……i have made people aware that this is going on and i am on top of it!!!!!! the loud thoughts have not descended upon me yet, but i am ready for them!! aaahhh such is life….

bipolar

Jo — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:30:18 +0000

well i don’t know about you, but i always feel great after a good nights sleep. i got to bed late last night, but i slept really well!! but i woke up with a sore throat??? i think it’s cause i had the fan blowing on me all night???? anyway…. i got all my housework done yesterday so today i get to be lazy. i do have to take care of some clothes i folded yesterday, though, so not too lazy. i have been dealing with my bipolar a lot lately. to go along with that i have what the call schizoid tendencies (psychotic behaviors). sometimes i see or hear things that aren’t “actually” there. and sometimes i have these thoughts that are very loud. i know thoughts cant technically be loud, but anyone who suffers from this understands what i am talking about!! anyway..sometimes these thoughts tell me to do things or just tell me things …usually self defeating things. so i have to be careful to let my loved ones know when these thoughts start as sometimes they get so loud that i just do what they tell me so they will go away. sometimes they literally drive me crazy!!!! i was having them a couple weeks back and i told my husband and he helped me through that rough spot. so now i wait and hope they don’t come back for a while. daily Bible reading and prayer seem to help with the frequency and intensity of them, but does not take them away completely. although, i’m sure it would if God wanted it to!! anyway, i know they will be back, and i know i will triumph over them once again, but sometimes its a little daunting only because it gets really exhausting trying to “keep my head above water”. i always try to remind myself that i can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

day to day life of the Christian mother/wife

Jo — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:41:00 +0000

I believe that we wives and mothers set the spiritual tone in our homes. At least that’s what I have been taught. You know the saying, “When Mom’s happy, everyone is happy”. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl under the covers and hide all day?? I have those often.

I am thirty-two years old. I have been married for almost fifteen years. I have an eleven year old daughter and a would be fourteen year old son. He was killed in an auto accident at ten years old. He would be fourteen years old August 15th. His name was Elijah. And though we miss him very much EVERY day….we find strength and peace in the fact that he was saved and is now in heaven. So I deal with the loss of my son everyday. To add to that, I am Bipolar, have Borderline Personality, and OCD. Whoa!! You think I must been on twenty five prescription drugs don’t you?? I am on NONE. That’s right NONE. I read my Bible everyday, I pray to the one TRUE God everyday, and every time the Church doors are open, I’m there. That is how I treat my mania, depression and neurotic behavior!!

Now I’m here to tell you , I still have bad days, just like anyone else. BUT I am also here to tell you , I could never get through the tough times without my Lord and Saviour. I also have a wonderful husband that takes very good care of me!! I had a not-so-great childhood and I have a lot of abuse in my past (physical, emotional and sexual), but I don’t let that determine who I am. I used to, but I have given all of that to the Lord and I now I choose to be happy and content. Yes, some would say I have every right to be bitter and sad because of my circumstances, but I believe that that would hurt only me and my family and most of all God. After all, he has given me so much to be thankful for. Everything that has happened to me in my life has made me who I am today, and I kinda like who I am and where I am. So to regret anything in my life or wish it hadn’t happened would be like saying I don’t like where God has put me and what He has given me. I need to have a positive attitude and a thankful spirit.

We, as humans are all sinners, deserving hell. I know that sounds harsh but it is Biblically true. So anything above hell is a bonus in my way of thinking. God sent his only Son to die on the cross so we wouldn’t have to got to hell. I don’t even deserve that!!!! So, any blessings I receive above that I am blessed or as some may say “lucky” to have!! So, in conclusion, remember that anything you have that is good in your life , you have God to thank for it. AND I think we all have more than we deserve!! So the next time we don’t want to crawl out from under those covers, let’s try to remember what God has done for us!! Thanks for reading, Have a Happy Day, God Bless!!