Some Days…
Posted on February 23, 2011Some days I wonder if going off all my meds was a good idea…
Days like today…
Days when the ”voices” in my head are so loud, I can’t drown them out with the tv, the radio, games, movies, etc…
Days when I want to just give up and give in to the “voices”…
I just need to hold onto the knowledge of my Lord and Saviour and what He has done for me…
If I can…
As long as I can…
i’m still here….
Posted on January 18, 2009just in case anyone out there cares, which i doubt, i have not fallen off the planet!! almost, but not quite!! i have been so tired and agitated lately, i haven’t been doing anything. by anything i mean ANYTHING!! i have laundry and dishes and dusting and vacuuming that need to be done. anyone brave enough to come do it for me?? i promise i’ll clear a path.
i just have not been well at all. i have this heaviness in my chest, i want to cry at the drop of a hat every second. and i can’t breath. buster has ordered my progesterone cream that i have been out of for like a month and i have been sitting under a full-spectrum light for hours on end. if the cream doesn’t miraculously cure me help, i’m gonna go see the dr. about my bipolar disorder. this has gone on too long!!
so for now, i wait for the miracle cream to come. shouldn’t be long now. then a few days and i’ll know if it’s hormones (for anyone who doesn’t know, i had a radical hysterectomy 9-11-08) or if i need to go in for therapy and/or drugs.
wish me luck!! 
Thankful Thursday…
Posted on January 08, 2009
Yes, I am joining GraceAlone with yet another “carnival”….this is a great one that can remind us that in all things (good AND bad) we can still be thankful!! This is a great biblical truth that we can all benefit from!!
I have been having a rough week, and will probably be seeing a Dr. to get put back on Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder meds. On one hand, this feels somewhat like a failure on my part to “pull myself up by the boot straps and carry on with life”. But on the other it feels like I have done what I can do and I need to accept that fact.
So, while I am NOT thankful that God has “blessed” me with this affliction , I am thankful that God has given me wisdom to know when I am at my limit and when to accept help!! I am also thankful that God has allowed me to go two years without having to be on meds. And lastly, I am thankful that God has made a way to have meds to help me when I need it.
one of those days
Posted on August 26, 2008ok, here i sit at my computer wondering if i should even “put this out there”. i feel the need to get this of my chest lest i act upon my “urges”. i want to cut. i want to feel the pain. i want to see the sweet red stain. i want to feel the soft warm trickle. i want to feel the light headed giddy feeling of euphoria, its almost like having wings. the rush of adrenaline, the thought that if i slip it could all end here and now. there is nothing like it. i am told it is wrong to feel this way, but my mind tells me it is ok. my mind tells me that if i just give in and do it, everything will be better. the headache will go away, the thoughts will stop tormenting me, there will be sweet peace. quietness. the pain i feel with the swipe of the blade will cover the pain i feel in my heart. it will silence the thoughts that swarm in my head. everything will be better.
me…
Posted on August 01, 2008commented on a blog earlier about being more than our diseases ( whatever they may be) we are a lot more…like me, i am: a mom, sister, mother, wife, overweight, a good listener, talkative at times, NOT shy!! i like to laugh and make others laugh. i would like people to know that they do not always have to walk on eggshells around me, i do not break so easily. i am very trusting UNTIL you give me a reason not to be, and then, you will have to wait for me to work through that and start trusting again and it may take a while!! i just want to be liked and loved for who i am without having to be someone i am not!!! i want people to look at ME and see my GOOD qualities…contrary to popular belief, i Do have a couple!! I want people to stop judging me. i have had people (close to me) say well, i don’t think shes even trying……walk a mile or two in my shoes then tell me i’m not trying!!!!!!!!!! i want to see the good in everyone (and i think there is some in everyone). anyway, that comment made me think of all the things i am and the things i want others to know..thank you titanium rose!!
insomnia…
Posted on July 26, 2008well, here it is…..almost 4am and i am not tired at all!!! i’m not even going to bother going to bed i don’t think, because i will just toss and turn and keep my darling C awake. i have been doing that a lot lately. very frustrating! i think i am in a manic phase. i am very irritated and agitated lately. i have been having these outbursts of who knows what , lashing out at everyone. i hate it when i get like this…i have little to no control over it. i can hardly stand to be in my own skin. UUUUGGGHHH. i am like and angry drunk only i’m an angry manic!!! that’s how it works for me…i am either really agitated or like excessively happy when i am manic and it’s usually the first one unfortunately for my family 
but i have also been very weepy , too, so i think its a mixed episode, but i don’t know. i told C today that i think i need to go to comm. mental health and be seen soon, if not immediately. i think we’ll see how the weekend goes and if i’m not feeling better mon. i will call them up and see what they say. i haven’t seen anyone for this in a year or more, so i’m thinking it’s probably time. i may need to go back on meds for a short time….i just don’t want to be so drugged that i can’t function properly, which has happened in the past. we’ll see what happens…….
day to day life of the Christian mother/wife
Posted on July 05, 2008I believe that we wives and mothers set the spiritual tone in our homes. At least that’s what I have been taught. You know the saying, “When Mom’s happy, everyone is happy”. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl under the covers and hide all day?? I have those often.
I am thirty-two years old. I have been married for almost fifteen years. I have an eleven year old daughter and a would be fourteen year old son. He was killed in an auto accident at ten years old. He would be fourteen years old August 15th. His name was Elijah. And though we miss him very much EVERY day….we find strength and peace in the fact that he was saved and is now in heaven. So I deal with the loss of my son everyday. To add to that, I am Bipolar, have Borderline Personality, and OCD. Whoa!! You think I must been on twenty five prescription drugs don’t you?? I am on NONE. That’s right NONE. I read my Bible everyday, I pray to the one TRUE God everyday, and every time the Church doors are open, I’m there. That is how I treat my mania, depression and neurotic behavior!!
Now I’m here to tell you , I still have bad days, just like anyone else. BUT I am also here to tell you , I could never get through the tough times without my Lord and Saviour. I also have a wonderful husband that takes very good care of me!! I had a not-so-great childhood and I have a lot of abuse in my past (physical, emotional and sexual), but I don’t let that determine who I am. I used to, but I have given all of that to the Lord and I now I choose to be happy and content. Yes, some would say I have every right to be bitter and sad because of my circumstances, but I believe that that would hurt only me and my family and most of all God. After all, he has given me so much to be thankful for. Everything that has happened to me in my life has made me who I am today, and I kinda like who I am and where I am. So to regret anything in my life or wish it hadn’t happened would be like saying I don’t like where God has put me and what He has given me. I need to have a positive attitude and a thankful spirit.
We, as humans are all sinners, deserving hell. I know that sounds harsh but it is Biblically true. So anything above hell is a bonus in my way of thinking. God sent his only Son to die on the cross so we wouldn’t have to got to hell. I don’t even deserve that!!!! So, any blessings I receive above that I am blessed or as some may say “lucky” to have!! So, in conclusion, remember that anything you have that is good in your life , you have God to thank for it. AND I think we all have more than we deserve!! So the next time we don’t want to crawl out from under those covers, let’s try to remember what God has done for us!! Thanks for reading, Have a Happy Day, God Bless!!