my heart…
Posted on May 5, 2010today i write for me….not because i have a deadline or a certain meme i want to link up with, but for me. this week i haven’t joined in on the weekly memes i usually do and i did that on purpose. i needed a break, i needed to be free from my “obligations”, if you will. and before i get comments and e-mails saying i don’t have to link up every week….i know that, really i do…but today i blog because i want to, because i need to, for myself…
i find that blogging gets my thoughts out of my head where they can be dangerous and gloomy and threatening and it puts them out somewhere where i can look at them in a different way and deal with them in a healthier way….it kind of separates them from me. it probably doesn’t make sense to some, but it works for me!! =)
believe it or not, and some of you will not, and that’s OK. but, believe it or not, i have a good heart (as good as a sinful, but saved by grace, human being can have anyway). i think all people should be treated equally, regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, wealth and anything else that can separate one group of people from another. that’s not to say i agree with everything a particular group does or doesn’t do, but they should be treated with respect and dignity. they should be prayed for and loved just like anyone else.
i try my very hardest to find the good in everyone, no matter how long or hard i have to look. and up until recently, i thought that everyone possessed at least some good in them. i felt that God makes people and God would never make something that didn’t have at least some redeeming value in it, right? i have recently realized that some people have taken the good God gave them and either destroyed it completely or buried it so deep that it can’t get out anymore. i have found that some people have let the devil take over their lives and given him the place that God should have had. they lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, cast blame, and just in general are not nice people. they are selfish and bitter and lash out to hurt others. and as a part of that, they don’t see this in themselves but seem to project it onto others and claim to see it in their lives. it is so very sad to me that they can’t even see that they are like this. the devil has tricked them into thinking they are right and anyone who isn’t like them is wrong or bad.
people who “suffer” in this way often blame it on something that happened to them in their childhood and/or a condition they have. someone molested them or beat them or hurt them in some other way. or they suffer from a mental disorder. that is a cop-out!! i can say that because i had a very tough childhood and i am also diagnosed with and documented to have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (among other things). my parents were separated and/or divorced either just before i was born or just after, i am not sure which but i know they were not together when i was taken from my mother at 18 months old for neglect because then i was placed in my father’s care for several years after that and was taken from him for physical and sexual abuse. from there i went to a “foster” home and the woman who took care of me there ended up adopting me. at 17 i left home after enduring years and years of physical and emotional abuse.
i am NOT in a any way shape or form saying i was a perfect child or teen(or that i am perfect now, for that matter, because i wasn’t, am not,and never will be while i am here on this earth)!!! i was naughty just like everyone else. and because of everything i went through as a child, i did have a lot of issues to deal with through counseling and therapy and such. and i did have to have therapy and medications and counseling and things like that for the “mental issues” i have. and yes, i got rude with my parents just like EVERY child does at one time or another. i didn’t do what i was told to do from time to time, just like EVERY other child does!! i lied to my parents occasionally, just like EVERY other child does (for the most part). i am ashamed to say it, but i did have a problem with stealing as a child and a teen but i have admitted it, repented and asked for forgiveness for it, which is all i can do now. BUT, considering where i came from and what i went through, it could have been a lot worse. i didn’t drink and party and and sleep around and do drugs, or any of those kinds of things. although, i did not have a good grasp on the difference between right and wrong, lies and truth, good and bad. i had been taught by example that lies were OK, that in a lot of cases bad was good and wrong was right. and i thought that the way i was brought up was normal. it was hard to keep everything straight.
then through some good relationships i slowly learned that lying is wrong and that i don’t have to lie to make and keep friends, in fact that is a good way to LOSE friends!! i learned that lesson the hard way in high school, unfortunately. but i learned it nonetheless. and i am so thankful i did, because now i have so many healthy relationships. i learned that there are people who will love me unconditionally, faults and all. that i don’t have to be perfect to be loved. i learned that everything good in my life comes from God and that He has allowed everything that has happened for a reason. i have learned that God doesn’t make mistakes and He is always in control, even though i may not always understand. i learned that with God’s help i can be different than those that hurt me, so i don’t have to repeat that cycle. i learned that i can forgive those who hurt me and not let that hurt and pain define who i am. i can CHOOSE to let my past hurt me and prevent me from doing God’s will for my life by being bitter and mad and depressed and feeling sorry for myself or i can allow God’s love and grace to wash all that away and I can live my life for Him. that is what i choose!! because being bitter and depressed and feeling sorry for myself only hurts me, it only makes my life miserable, and it gives satan reason to rejoice because i can’t effectively live my life for God if i live that way! and personally, i don’t want to give satan glory, i want to give God glory!!!
thanks for stopping by, sorry you didn’t find my “normal” posts this week about random things like weight loss and recipes, but fear not, i will likely be back in the swing of things next week!! thanks for “listening” to my ramblings. please vote on my new poll and let me know what you think…
and as always…
Tags: family, God, life, personal, struggles, thoughts
Categories: family, God, life, personal, struggles, thoughts
I think it is definitely fine to take a break from your routine and step back and reevaulate things!
I am sorry for all the trials life handed you, but it looks like you are doing well in spite of it all and I am happy for you!
.-= Taylor´s last blog ..If you can swallow, you can learn. =-.
19.05.2010 13:46
Thank you for sharing your heart. God bless you and yours! *hugz*
20.05.2010 05:29