ok, here i sit at my computer wondering if i should even “put this out there”. i feel the need to get this of my chest lest i act upon my “urges”. i want to cut. i want to feel the pain. i want to see the sweet red stain. i want to feel the soft warm trickle. i want to feel the light headed giddy feeling of euphoria, its almost like having wings. the rush of adrenaline, the thought that if i slip it could all end here and now. there is nothing like it. i am told it is wrong to feel this way, but my mind tells me it is ok. my mind tells me that if i just give in and do it, everything will be better. the headache will go away, the thoughts will stop tormenting me, there will be sweet peace. quietness. the pain i feel with the swipe of the blade will cover the pain i feel in my heart. it will silence the thoughts that swarm in my head. everything will be better.
About Me
I have been married to Buster, since 1993. I am "Mom" to three precious gifts from God. My daughter, 'The Girl' is 15 (going on 25 lol). She is beautiful, opinionated, head-strong, smart and loves God. My son, Lil' Buster went to heaven when he was 10 (car accident in 2004). He was all boy but adorable, tender-hearted and loved God. And one sweet baby we never got to meet is waiting for us in heaven with Lil' Buster.
I am wife, mom, lover of coffee, lover of all things pink, purple and/or sparkly, lover of chocolate, and did I mention coffee? And sparkles? Oh, and I also kinda adore blogging... :o)
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Not to be flip, but how about going for dental work without having anything to deaden the nerves at the tooth instead?
You have a lot of courage putting your thoughts out there for the world to see. While I can not relate to it, I know a few folks who get tatoos possibly for the same reasons?
They tell me they do not feel really alive unless they feel the pain.
Getting tattoos is much different, and it doesn’t (usually) leave embarrassing scars. I can’t relate either.
Get your thoughts out there, though, if you must, just be aware that it causes other people to want to cut. For either competition or reawakening a compulsion. You’ll notice that after this post, there is another post on cutting in tag ‘bipolar.’
Putting stuff like this “out there” is precisely how blogging about our state of mental health works as a tool to help us get better. Talking about, or even just acknowledging our feelings always leads to a better understanding of triggers. Maybe taking some time to write about yours would help… or even better, what has kept you from feeling these urges for so long?
Sorry you are having a hard time. I wish I could offer you help, but I know very little about self harm and whats involved. I’m glad that your taking the time to talk about it as opposed to acting on it. I hope you are doing better and can take of advantage of things from past that have helped you before.
Hey, sorry I have been so late commenting. Hope things are ok, and that you managed to pass the urge. Hannah X
well it has been over a week since I read your blogs so I missed this one till tonight. Explains the darkenss you were feeling maybe a while ago when I asked you about your comment and got no reply? So what is bringing these thoughts back again besides satin playing games and trying to lie and destroy you. He is a loser and I will stand in the gap and fight him off before I allow him to destroy my daughter any more. Might I make a suggestion…. I believe it is way past time to seek some counceling and meds. time to get to the ROOT of the problem so you can dea with it and be set FREE!
Remember I love you with all my heart and anytime you need to talk call me and I will call you right back ( we have fee long distance). Get into th eword everytime those feeling start so you are seeking your Father and not able to listen to satin.
Please let me know how your doing? feeling? hugs and love MOM
Uggh so late replying but I feel what your saying.. its hard to fight that urge especially when you have that fight in your head — you know its wrong but you know it will help (and it does I know).
The only piece of advice I can offer — Trust your gut and call your therapist if it gets too bad.