friday is his birthday. i guess it is too much to ask that we should celebrate his birth…just because he isn’t alive???? i don’t understand that?? i told C , they didn’t put his birthday in the church bulletin again this year. C says, well he’s been gone 4 years, hun…..they only put it in the first year he was gone….well, i don’t understand that….he was in fact given birth to, why can’t we celebrate?? i guess i am feeling a bit down today, thinking about him again. i feel ancient lately. i just turned 33, but that’s not it. i feel like i have outlived my days somehow??? i suppose it is partly because we are not supposed to out live our children. a parent is not supposed to bury their child…..it is not the natural order of things. i hide my tears today for the sake of my daughter, but what i really want to do is scream out and shout my frustration of losing my son so early in his precious life. i know that he is in heaven and i will see him again someday, but today that is not good enough for me. i’m sorry to say that, but its just isn’t!!!!!!!!!! i want him here, i need him here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! where is my happy little man, with his big grin….who opens the door for his sister and mother?? who always shares the last of whatever he has?? who sees me depressed and draws me pictures and tells me everything will be ok, mom. he is in heaven , waiting for me. oh what i would give to hear his voice…..to see his smile….to hear his laugh….today it seems to be too much….too much…
Know that this is a very rough week for us also sweetie. We miss our grandson’s smile, hugs and love so much, we think about him daily . But I believe his birthday and Holiday’s are a bit more hard for everyone who new and loves him. Who ever said with time it will get easier is wrong! I have a bit of my heart that is missing …. yet a promise from God that someday I will see my grandson again, hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hugs. I long for that day….. I love you my dear, hang onto the wonderful memories we share of Eli being in our lifes the short time he was. God will give you the strength you need to get through this hard time, turn to Him for comfort. Do not be angry or upset with the church ( people) because they don’t announce Eli’s birthday, they are letting go and letting God! it does not mean they have forgotton Eli by know means. If you need to chat feel free to call, I will call back because we have free long distance… hugs and prayers to you, C and H…