ok, here i sit at my computer wondering if i should even “put this out there”.  i feel the need to get this of my chest lest i act upon my “urges”.  i want to cut.  i want to feel the pain.  i want to see the sweet red stain.  i want to feel the soft warm trickle.  i want to feel the light headed giddy feeling of euphoria, its almost like having wings.  the rush of adrenaline, the thought that if i slip it could all end here and now.  there is nothing like it.  i am told it is wrong to feel this way, but my mind tells me it is ok.  my mind tells me that if i just give in and do it, everything will be better.  the headache will go away, the thoughts will stop tormenting me, there will be sweet peace.  quietness.  the pain i feel with the swipe of the blade will cover the pain i feel in my heart.  it will silence the thoughts that swarm in my head.   everything will be better.

i LOVE a clean house! i don’t always love to clean…but i LOVE a clean house!! if you don’t have time to do an all out, no holds barred cleaning spree, just take a few minutes to “unclutter”. like yesterday, i wiped down and rearranged my counter tops so that the things i want to use more are more accessible to me. and then today, i cleaned up a spot in my dining room that collects EVERYTHING. i put everything in its proper place and threw away the junk that was just taking up space. so later tonight or tomorrow when i do have the time to do some hard core cleaning, all i will have to do is clean the bathroom , do a quick dusting job and run the vacuum. aaaaahhhhhhhhh clean house. lol i love a clean house! not a bad way to do it either, a little at a time. i find that if i do it that way…i don’t get overwhelmed with a long tiring day of work!! give it a try!! schedule one room per day or just do one “chore ” at a time. like totally clean the living room one day ( dust, vacuum, clean off TV and other entertainment stuff, wash windows, fluff pillows, clean blinds, etc.) then the bedroom the next day…one room per day. OR go through and dust every room one day . the next day vacuum all the rooms. so forth and so on. which ever you choose, it will be better than tackling all of it in one day! hope this helps others as much as it has helped me!

now i’ve gone and done it…now i want to move to kentucky!  it is awesome out there.  the mountains , the trees, the warm but not sticky weather…it’s very nice!!  went to C’s cousins wedding,  stayed in a nice hotel…which happened to be where the reception was held, which was nice.  then you don’t have to leave the hotel to go “home”.  lol  nice for those of us who like to get our drink on.  LOL  no drunk driving!!!!!!!!!!  omg, i danced until i was dripping wet with sweat, then i danced some more!!  it was so much fun.  anyway, it was fun.  we left fri morning.  made a few stops…got to the motel around 5pm.  had dinner, went swimming……got up sat. morning had breakfast/lunch and decided to go the children’s museum with C’s sister and brother-in-law and their kids.  very fun!!  then went to a very well known coffee place and got yummies!!!  sun we went to the horse park and walked around then we headed home.  we want to go back when we can spend more time (and money!!)  it was a nice get away, and we want to do it again!!  it is good to be back home, though.  no matter how much fun yo have, it’s always nice to come home to your own place!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  having a great time, glad to be away from home for a little bit, be with family, enjoy H and C.

well, the big C ,  little H and I are going to Kentucky for the weekend. C’s cousin is getting married. we have not taken a “trip”  in a couple years, so this should be fun. plus i am hoping that travelling and being busy on E’s birthday will take some of the sting out of him being gone. He would have been 14 tomorrow, as i think everyone already knows, if not…please read previous posts!! so we ran to wally world and got a few things, packed up the necessities and we are off at 6 AM (at least that is the plan, lol). ya never know what’s actually gonna happen around here until the time comes!! so anyway, wanted to send out hugs and blessings for the weekend, as i may or may not not be blogging. i DO have access to the internet while i’m gone, but not sure if i will have the time or the interest in blogging (although i DO love blogging, so i don’t know???) while i’m “havin fun” in Kentucky. we will see. if you don’t hear from me before Monday or Tuesday, be blessed and enjoy your weekend, i’m sure i will!! i will update everyone on my weekend on Mondy or Tuesday!! God Bless!!!

friday is his birthday.  i guess it is too much to ask that we should celebrate his birth…just because he isn’t alive???? i don’t understand that??  i told C , they didn’t put his birthday in the church bulletin again this year.  C says, well he’s been gone 4 years, hun…..they only put it in the first year he was gone….well, i don’t understand that….he was in fact given birth to, why can’t we celebrate??  i guess i am feeling a bit down today, thinking about him again.  i feel ancient lately.  i just turned 33, but that’s not it.  i feel like i have outlived my days somehow???  i suppose it is partly because we are not supposed to out live our children.  a parent is not supposed to bury their child…..it is not the natural order of things.  i hide my tears today for the sake of my daughter, but what i really want to do is scream out and shout my frustration of losing my son so early in his precious life.  i know that he is in heaven and i will see him again someday, but today that is not good enough for me.  i’m sorry to say that, but its just isn’t!!!!!!!!!! i want him here, i need him here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! where is my happy little man, with his big grin….who opens the door for his sister and mother??  who always shares the last of whatever he has??  who sees me depressed and draws me pictures and tells me everything will be ok, mom.  he is in heaven , waiting for me.  oh what i would give to hear his voice…..to see his smile….to hear his laugh….today it seems to be too much….too much…

H is doing well now.  Her stitches are on the side and end of her index finger on her left hand.  C took her in tues. to the ER after she sliced her finger on a stupid dog food can.  they gave her four stitches and C said she did very well with it.  she was very brave, as usual.  i am so very proud!!  she is still fearful of ripping her stitches and has been very diligent in keeping her finger dry.  she has been doing most of her normal chores, though. and is using her finger more and more.  i  sometimes have to remind her to be careful, but overall , she is ok with it.   overall, she is healing well, i guess…..no signs of infection **knocks on the WOOD shelf next to her**.  i really don’t believe in that kid of thing (knocking on wood) but i don’t think it can hurt, right??? lol anyway, wanted to let everyone know (the whole two people that read this, lol) that she is doing great and is on the road to recovery!!  she’ll be good as new in no time!!  she is getting the stitches out on the 15th i believe.  thanks for all the prayers!!

hi to all!!  C and H had to make a trip to the ER today….H cut her finger on a lid to a puppy food can. we don’t normally feed our dogs canned food, but they have all been ill with who knows what (two have died) and they seem to not want to eat, then they die.   we figured out they will eat the canned food  better because it is actual meat.  anyway, H was helping me feed the puppies this morning and sliced her finger open.  her left index finger, no less.  SHES LEFT HANDED!!!  well, i have no idea if she needs stitches or not so i had to call  C at work.  he came home right away to look at it.  he took her ( i was babysitting) to her pediatricians office to have them look at it.  they said yes, she needed stitches, but they don’t do that at their office , so they sent her over to the ER.  they ended up giving her 4 stitches.  she can’t get that finger wet for two days.  after that she can get it wet, but it can’t soak  at all in water til she gets the stitches out in ten days.   in other words she can wash her hands after that and shower even, but no soaking in  a bath or dishpan.  it is pretty tender and sore so she is taking it easy for the evening.

ggggggrrrr….i am so sick of EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i can’t wait til C finds a new job and i get paid for all the jobs i’ve been doing.  it seems like there are soooooo many bills and sooooooooo little money.  i am very frustrated right now.  the job my husband does at our Church pays our daughters tuition at a Christian school and there is always some left over (especially in the summer when there is no school bill) but Pastor and his wife don’t seem to want C to take it out and spend it.  which doesn’t make any sense to me…….he EARNED that money, he should be able to do with it what he wants!!!!!!!!!   it is always a hassle to take money out, because it is in  a Church account in his name.  that way we don’t ever have to worry about the school payment being there.  BUT, it is still HIS money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and to add to the financial “complications”……i am not doing very well lately AT ALL…i think i need to go back on progesterone cream.  i ran out a while ago and just haven’t gotten anymore.  partly cause i didn’t want to spend the money on it and partly cause i wanted to see if it was really helping.  for those who don’t know, i had a radical hysterectomy sept. 2007. i had fibroids and a lot of pain and excess bleeding.  i also had my ovaries removed for a number of reasons.  anyway, i have been in surgical menopause for a few months now( i think my body just realized everything is gone LOL).  i have been having dizzy spells, nausea, headaches, aches and pains, and just plain not feeling well. some of it is probably a little of my bipolar (i think im having mixed episodes), but im thinking the majority is the menopause.  i’m just wondering how long this will last.  i don’t want to go on synthetic hormones, i really don’t want to get breast cancer!!  or any other kind for that matter!!!  is it just me or is this blog turning into a venting session???? well, i guess if i can’t put my feelings down here, where can i????????   aaaaahhhh see, i feel better already!!!  not feeling “on topside ” as of late….please keep the prayers coming!!!

commented on a blog earlier about being more than our diseases ( whatever they may be) we are a lot more…like me, i am:  a mom, sister, mother, wife, overweight, a good listener, talkative at times, NOT shy!!  i like to laugh and make others laugh.  i would like people to know that they do not always have to walk on eggshells around me, i do not break so easily.  i am very trusting UNTIL you give me a reason not to be, and then, you will have to wait for me to work through that and start trusting again and it may take a while!!   i just want to be liked and loved for who i am without having to be someone i am not!!!  i want people to look at ME and see my GOOD qualities…contrary to popular belief, i Do have a couple!!  I want people to stop judging me.  i have had people (close to me) say well, i don’t think shes even trying……walk a mile or two in my shoes then tell me i’m not trying!!!!!!!!!! i want to see the good in everyone (and i think there is some in everyone).  anyway, that comment made me think of all the things i am and the things i want others to know..thank you titanium rose!!