gggrrrrrrr….i watch a friends children for her while she works.   she brings them in their pj’s.  does not feed them before they come, doesn’t even have her oldest go potty before she brings her.  i have to have her go potty, feed her and dress her almost every morning. i used to have her 4 days a week but now that the moms mother isn’t working i only have her (and her baby sister) 3 days a week.  when they are at grandmas i think they must get away with everything because they are becoming more and more unmanageable , that’s what we’ll call it. just whining and attitude, oh my word, the attitude ( the oldest is 2, but good grief!!!).  i have them from 7:15 AM til at least 3:15 PM sometimes later….never later than 4PM.  I get paid $20 a day.  ggggggrrrrrrrrrr…i am feeling very unappreciated and very underpaid (especially for what i do)!!!!!!!!!!  i am trying to venture out and get a better job because what i make now isn’t helping much with bills.  i am just so frustrated.  **throws herself down and sobs** i am looking into paid blogs and maybe mystery shopping/demonstrations.   i think those kind of jobs, where you do something completely different every time, would be right up my alley!!  i get bored easily.  anyway, glad i got that off my chest! anyone else ever have similar problem with being under appreciated and/or  underpaid ???

had another funeral at our Church today.  another death from cancer.  liver this time.  the last one, just  few months ago was ovarian cancer.  well , that’s where it started.  by the time she went to heaven, it was everywhere.  so sad…watching someone waste away.  the cancer just takes over until the body is full of it and cannot function.  so sad.  a friend and i sang at this funeral.  Near The Cross.  i often wonder why God would allow this to happen to someone, and i am reminded that man (actually woman) brought sin into this world, not God.  it is because of that sin (in the garden of eden) that man (and woman) is appointed to die.  that is why God had to send Jesus to die on the cross, so that when we do die, we can still be with Him eternally (the way it was supposed to be).  see, we are all sinners, we all deserve hell, but Jesus paid that hell debt for us when He died on the cross.  all we have to do is accept this as our ONLY way to get to heaven and then we can know that we will go to heaven someday when we die. what an awesome God we have that He would do that for us!!!!!!!!!

well, here it is…..almost 4am and i am not tired at all!!!  i’m not even going to bother going to bed i don’t think, because i will just toss and turn and keep my darling C awake.  i have been doing that a lot lately.  very frustrating!  i think i am in a manic phase.  i am very irritated and agitated lately.  i have been having these outbursts of who knows what , lashing out at everyone.  i hate it when i get like this…i have little to no control over it. i can hardly stand to be in my own skin. UUUUGGGHHH.  i am like and angry drunk only i’m an angry manic!!!  that’s how it works for me…i am either really agitated or like excessively happy when i am manic and it’s usually the first one unfortunately for my family   but i have also been very weepy , too, so i think its a mixed episode, but i don’t know.  i told C today that i think i need to go to comm. mental health and be seen soon, if not immediately.  i think we’ll see how the weekend goes and if i’m not feeling better mon.  i will call them up and see what they say.  i haven’t seen anyone for this in a year or more, so i’m thinking it’s probably time.  i may need to go back on meds for a short time….i just don’t want to be so drugged that i can’t function properly, which has happened in the past.  we’ll see what happens…….

have you ever had one of those days where EVERYTHING rubs you the wrong way?  well that is how today went for me.  i felt sorry for H and the girls today!!  i just could not deal with anything today.  every sound irritated me.  the puppies whining, the dogs barking, tv, just EVERYTHING!!!!!!!  it didn’t help that C and i argued first thing this morning.  i opened my big fat mouth and shoved my little chubby foot right in it.  then C got upset and the whole thing just escalated from there. i was in tears and he was upset.  not a good way to start the day! but he came home at lunch and he apologized and i apologized and now everything is hunky dory!!!!!!!   that’s the good thing about being married to your best friend!!  it’s easy to forgive them!  when you love someone unconditionally, it’s easy to understand that just because they don’t say or do the right thing all the time, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  AND it means that just because i don’t say or do the right thing all the time doesn’t mean i don’t love him, either!!!!!!!!  we are a team , him and i, and a mighty good one at that!!!!!

boy, i am on a roll today….lol  i have read a lot of blogs about people who are depressed.  a lot of the time depression can be solved by simply taking the focus off of ourselves and putting it on to someone or something else.  a lot of times our depression is caused from and/or made worse by dwelling on our own life circumstances,  our unfulfilled needs, or stress about who did what to us or any number of other things going on in our day-to-day lives.  try putting the focus on someone else and see how depressed you stay.  bake cookies for a neighbor, take soup to or read to someone who is sick, run errands for an elderly or handicapped person who can’t get out and do it themselves, help someone in any way you can or anything else you can do to be a blessing to them.  depression can be brought on by a number of things, and is bound to affect us, so allow yourself those feelings, they are real and you need to feel them but then don’t just sit back and let them consume you and make you miserable, go out and do something about them!! I can almost guarantee that  if you make someone elses life better, it will make yours better too!!

a little about me:  i am one of those people who “function” in the “real” world with no meds and no support groups. some days you would be hard pressed to even see that there is anything “wrong” with me, but then other days you can tell i am not well.  staying in my Bible, attending Church several times a week and praying daily keep me from having to be on drugs.  plus i have a lot of support from loved ones.  lately i have been having very rapid cycles ( mania to depression within a couple of hours or even minutes) with headaches and loud thoughts again. the thoughts are not as loud as they have been in the past and if i busy myself on the computer or housework , they tend to stay in the background. the headaches for me are a precursor to something big about to happen, so i have to be careful now for a while…really keep myself in check so as to let people know if things get harry so to speak. i have been living with this more than half my life…really longer, just undiagnosed before that, so i know my signs and symptoms very well. i think the first signs of “trouble” came very early…my first hospitalization was as a 4 year old. i was suicidal already then and had homicidal tendencies also, from what i hear. they didn’t know what was wrong back then, they thought maybe schizophrenia , but i was not diagnosed bipolar, borderline personality disorder til i was 13 or so. all that time trying drug after drug, therapy on a weekly basis, interventions, etc.  i have been on and off drugs for the better part of my life and there are pros and cons to both.  for the time being, being off my meds is better for me. there will be a time when i will probably need to go back on them for a period of time, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  for now the support i get from loved ones and my relationship with God are all i need.

i LOVE big macs!!!!!!!!!!!

tattoos, ok ok i know, we shouldn’t mark our bodies….blah blah blah, lol.  i want one!! i want a little rose with thorns OR maybe a heart OR both on my ankle ( my left ankle to be exact) …nothing huge or anything..just a lil one. i had my tongue pierced at one time, i think i wanna redo that too.  i am feeling quite rebellious today!!!  i haven’t been sleeping well lately, and i cant help but feel like something odd is going on in my head.  it feels all tight and fuzzy…like its got cotton in it.  and i have this lingering headache.  from past experience i am thinking that this is not so good, but only time will tell……i have made people aware that this is going on and i am on top of it!!!!!!  the loud thoughts have not descended upon me yet, but i am ready for them!!  aaahhh such is life….

as always, preacher has preached on a subject that couldn’t have been better if I had asked him to preach it myself.  this often happens..i am having “issues” and he ends up preaching on whatever i need.  this is what i got out of what he said this morning.

facing giants  (really big burdens in our lives)

lets name a few shall we:  finances, health, grief, family stresses, addictions, etc. etc.

How are we going to conquer these giants????

#1 we must have a relationship with God  (in order for that to happen, we must be saved. we must realize we are all sinners deserving hell, realize that Christ paid our hell debt for us on the cross, and accept Him and only Him as our “ticket” to heaven).  Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall i be afraid?  If we have the right relationship with God, we need not fear anyone or anything..for God is our strength and gives us courage.

#2 we must have the confidence of God.  It is better to trust in God than to put our confidence in men.  Psalm 27:2  when the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.  If we trust in God, He is sure to keep His word and never leave us nor forsake us.

#3 we must walk with/worship God.  we must have a daily walk with God that includes worshipping Him and praising Him.  Psalm 27:3&4  Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear:  though war should rise against me, in this will i be confident. One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will i seek after; that i may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in His temple.

If we abide by these three  things, God will help up conquer our giants!!!  Psalm 27:5&6  for in the time of trouble He shall hide me in his pavilion:  in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.  and now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me….

I hope this “message” will be as much of an encouragement to those who read it here as it was to me in service this morning.  God Bless!!

i just responded to a blog about the heart being made to be broken and i wanted to post this while it was fresh in my mind.  i said i agreed with whoever it was that said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all (not a direct quote). i told them about how i lost my 10 year old son in an auto accident almost 4 years ago.  it was very hard for me obviously, but i have said before and will continue to say, if i had a choice between  never having had him in my life and going through the heartache of losing him…i’d choose losing him.  no, im not a psychopath or anything..let me explain…i loved him so much, he was so special that i would rather have him for those 10 short years and lose him than to never have him in my life.   does this make sense to anyone else????  he touched so many peoples lives and made them better.  we were told after his death about how he used to protect peoples kids from bullies and about how generous he was and we saw this for ourselves as well.  he was not perfect by any means but he was special and he was loved by many!!